Closing The Loop

It has been hanging in my mind for the longest time.  I had been questioning my own heart, but my heart was heavily clouded with sentiments. I am a sentimental person, although my No 2 will totally disagree when I forced her to dump those “useless” souvenirs that she had been keeping since donkey years ago.

Some 7 years ago, I started a blog.  It was a new fad and I wanted to be “hip”.  Importantly, I wanted to consciously look for things in my life that can convince me that life is beautiful. It was 3 years after I gave up a job to start a business.  I was starting to feel a tad behind as I watched my peers climbing the corporate ladder in their high heels and business suits.  Looking back to that time, I know that I was feeling inferior then.  I thought by consciously looking for the “beautiful” moments, I can convince myself that life is good.  I was trying hard (too hard to prove my self-worthiness to me.

Yet, I struggled to find things that are “writable”.  Beautiful, happy moments that I can show to everyone who knows me in my real life.  I sieved through the daily routines to find “stories of glory” that I can tell the world and not die of shame afterwards.  Needless to say, my postings were far and few.  The reality is, life was full of struggles and tears and frustrations.

I was new to the education industry and even newer to managing a business albeit a small one.  There were many worries: rent, staff costs, whether new businesses are coming in, loss of clients… The stress of knowing that every aspect of success and failure depends solely on me is scary.

And there were the emotional self-doubts.  I no longer go to work in heels and suits.  T-shirts and jeans take over for practicality. I no longer handle “big” issues that may potentially affect companies’ operations.  I handle children – mine and others.  I no longer know what’s happening in the “outside” world.  I travel only between my home and my work place.  Conversations with CY became mundane, as I’m no longer in tune with what’s happening beyond my work scope which is a totally different arena from his.  Social life shrank as I guarded the nights when I’m not working so that I can be with my children.  Who is so “free” to catch up with me for breakfast?   They have work to do.  I feel my whole world shrinking, like Wanda Macpherson in Baby Blues.

An unfortunately, unlike Wanda, I don’t have that many hilarious and cute moments in real life.

So I pondered and write, I paused and re-write, and paused again and re-start again.

But as I walked through life, I came to the realization that I no longer look out for the “beautiful” moments.  I no longer have to find ways to validate myself and my life and whatever choices I have made.  Life is exactly how it is.  Ordinary.  Beautiful.  Those evenings when the family sat together and had family dinners.  Those times when teenagers’ raging hormones battled with peri-menopausal mood swings.  Those minutes in the car when the girls rolled their eyes at CY’s impromptu lyrics.  Those days when everyone wished that they could just pack their bags and leave the house.  They are all ordinary but beautiful.  Because they are part of my memories, my life.  They made up who I am and what I am.

Someone once said that closing the loop does not mean an end.  It simply means an acknowledgement that we are at where we are.  And we move on.  So here I am, closing the loop.

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