Five minutes of free writing with a one-word prompt from Five Minute Friday.
This week’s prompt is a challenging one for me. Be present? Live in the present? Not yesterday? Not tomorrow? But now – present?
It doesn’t come naturally to me.
When I was very (very) much younger, I didn’t worry about yesterday or tomorrow. But I wasn’t present. Not then. I did not see what’s happening around me. I did not see the love and friendships around me. I did not see me. I was not present.
After I got married and started a family, I could only see tomorrow. I was full of bliss and happiness. I was full of hopes and anticipation. I was just looking forward to what may lie ahead. I forgot to be present.
12 years ago when I lost mother, regrets and grief engulfed me, pushing me deep into the memories of yesterday. Wishing I could turn back the clock and do what I didn’t do for her. Wishing I could just go back and be with her. I couldn’t bear to be present.
This month, I’m turning (gasp!) 44. I still remember all the yesterdays in my life. I am still looking forward to every tomorrow that I may have. But I’m no longer living in them. I’m living in the present, which is that tomorrow I’m walking to and which will become the yesterday that I treasure. I’m present now. Or at the very least, I’m trying very hard to. Every moment.
So I let my body sway to the music at my weekly Zumba class. Never mind I look like ridiculous. I sing my hearts out at the karaoke with my girls. Never mind them giving me that “I’ll never introduce my friends to my mum” look. I write about the nice and not-so-nice moments about this life. Never mind I can’t really write well.
I’m present. At Last.