This was a journal entry in October 2010.
I read it with a tinge of guilt. Have I learnt my lesson and slowed down like what I promised to do then? Sometimes. When I remember, that is. But most of the time, I still allow myself to be swept away by the daily necessities (or are they un-necessities?). I fret over their schoolwork, I stress myself up over the seemingly never-ending house chores, I worry about the profit and loss that my job is reaping. There doesn’t seem to be any time left for a heart-to-heart talk or simply watch the children play. Rather, I’m just telling myself that I have no time.
So I’m glad to open up this journal entry today.
It’s a reminder (yet again) to myself that I must do better than the purple dinosaur. Even though I think my princess no longer believes in talking to Barney.
I bunk in with Princess No. 2 last night — something that I have not done since the arrival of Princess No. 3 some 19 months ago. We were chatting and she casually told me that she will always talk to Barney (her beloved soft toy) when she feels stressed. I jokingly replied that I hope that I can do as well as Barney and that she would come talk to me the next time she is stressed. I was unprepared for her answer: “Barney is never too busy, that’s why.”
The words hit me like lightning.
It made me reflect on the last one and a half years. Princess No. 3 has dominated my time and energy, especially after I decided to do without any domestic helper some 5 months back. Having to cope with a toddler, the house chores, the school work of Princess 1 and 2, and my work had taken a toll on me. The result: quick tempers, low tolerance for almost anything, lots of nagging and scoldings, not showing love often enough.
No wonder she finds good ole Barney a better confidante than me.
And I didn’t even realize it. Until now. I count my blessing that I have this chance to find out.
So I’m going to slow down. I don’t know how yet, but I certainly will figure it out. After all, I’ve to do better than the purple dinosaur, don’t I?!