Maybe it’s the rain. Maybe it’s the year-end season. Maybe it’s the invisible stress of having to be accountable for the year that is soon to pass. I have been feeling a little out of sorts lately. The momentum came to a screeching halt. Beauty, it seems, has gone into hiding.
Self-doubt, the little devil, is fully utilising this chance to manifest: what are you doing with your life? what have you REALLY achieve all these years? where are you heading to? He has been throwing questions like these into my head recently. And every time I try to act brave and give a positive answer, he would hit me hard and shout ‘BUT…!’.
He succeeded… very nearly. I started to feel the blues and the downs. I could not come out with an answer to my own question: what am I good at? My list was full of what I was NOT good at/with instead. I could not feel joy even though it’s December – a season to be joyous. I looked enviously at people around me who seem to be doing well in almost everything in their life. X has that big pretty house, Y has a good career earning big money, Z wears many hats and yet never miss a beat. I felt inadequate. I felt like a loser. I felt as if everyone has progressed while I had regressed.
Then, a reminder came : ‘A Simple Guide To Remembering Who You Are” in Momentum Gathering. It struck me that I have lose sight of who I am and what’s important to me. I have allowed someone called Self-Doubt to become me. It’s time to find back ME.
So I followed Katie’s advice and created SPACE. I stop and breath. I re-visit who I really am and what’s really important to me. And here is what I came out with:
1. ME. Yes, I am ME, first and foremost. If ME is no longer in existence, the rest of who I am will no longer be relevant, will it?
2. Life-time partner (aka Wife). I was, honestly, very tempted to put my children before my marriage. But I know that when my three girls are grown up and have their own life, it will be just me and CY. So I had better invest more time and efforts into my marriage so that we can still hold hands and take a stroll along the beach when our hairs have gone all white.
3. THE Mummy to 3 not-so-gentle princesses. I love them, heart and soul. Need I say more?
4. House Manager. I thought very hard about this one, and decided that yes, it is an important role to me because my house is my shelter from everything out there. I want to play a part in keeping a house that my husband and girls would want to come back to — a house that my children will feel proud to invite their friends to — a house that I won’t feel embarrassed to have family and friends drop by.
5. Educator. Running an education centre, I have found joy in seeing my students grow in both their studies and character. I hope that I can make a positive difference in their life, however small.
Having re-focused, I am trying to gently nudge my life towards what is important to me in life. For a start, I am trying to create TIME to wind down and feel. Hence, I am writing again on this blog again. I am trying to find time to read (as in finish a book from start to end) again.
The sky is not totally clear yet. The rain is still coming on and off. But I am trying and very soon, I know that the sun will be out again.